The Ballad of Odo, the Bold but Unlucky
by Bellegeste
Summary: What exactly was that song that Hagrid and Slughorn were singing on the night of Aragog's funeral?


If you're in the mood for truly dire doggerel, you've come to the right place!

**Disclaimer: The final stanza is taken from HBP and belongs to JKR.**

**A/N: This is my version of the song that Hagrid and Slughorn sang on the night of Aragog's funeral. **

**With it I join the illustrious ranks of those who have written an 'Odo Poem': BAGGE, Nimbus 1944, Cjan5 and Dead-Luthien. Are there anymore of you out there? **

**Especial thanks to BAGGE for encouraging me to write this.**

**The Ballad of Odo the Bold but Unlucky**

Legends of yore tell us chivalrous tales  
Of heroes and knights, proud and plucky:  
Roland, Beowolf, Sir Gawain, Lancelot  
And Odo the Bold but Unlucky.

In days before NEWTs were the tests of prowess  
All young wizards were sent on a quest  
To kill a few dragons or rescue a maid,  
To win fortune and fame – and the rest!

So Gowron the Good took his son to one side  
And he said, "Make us proud, if you can.  
Be noble and true in all things that you do.  
Now go forth, boy, and come back a man."

He mounted his steed and he bade fond farewells  
And set off without further ado.  
But where he was going and why and what for –  
Oh, by Merlin, he wished that he knew!

In search of adventure, he first headed South  
To the river to catch a fierce troll.  
He 'tripped' and he 'trapped' on the rickety bridge,  
But the river troll hid in his hole.

He rode to the North to the high mountain peaks  
Where the giants lived, poised for a fight.  
He 'fee-ed' and he 'fi-ed' and he 'fo-fummed' for weeks,  
But the giants stayed well out of sight.

'I'll bag me a dragon in Wales' he thought next,  
'I can lure one out with a live sheep.'  
He went West and used an entire flock for bait,  
But the Welsh Greens were all fast asleep.

Despondently Odo now turned to the East,  
The direction he hadn't yet tried.  
If he couldn't gain glory destroying a beast,  
Then perhaps he could seek out a bride.

'I've just been unlucky.' He gave a wry grin,  
His manly lips pursed-up and pouty.  
'I'm brave and I'm strong and determined to win,  
And my doings are derring and doughty.

'I'm not a bad catch, if I say so myself,  
I'm honest, hard-working and thrifty;  
My teeth are my own and my features are fine,  
And my magic and spell-work are nifty.'

That evening he entered a village at dusk,  
Seeking shelter, wine, women and song.  
The church bells were tolling a miserable dirge –  
He could tell that there was something wrong.

"Oh, woe!" cried the wench he accosted for news  
As she served him his mutton and porter.  
"The monster is up to its old tricks again.  
It has taken Sir Cadogan's daughter."

At this Odo pricked up his ambitious ears –  
A beast **and** a maid? Double billing!  
Two birds with one stone! He'd kill first the one,  
And marry the other, God willing.

"Prithee, point me at it," bold Odo declared,  
And he stood with a valiant swagger.  
His chest was as broad as a twin-bladed sword,  
And his eye was as keen as a dagger.

"Fear not, gentle wench, I am no scurvy knave,  
I'm a knight, not a travelling farmer."  
So saying he strapped on helmet and cuirass,  
With a Shield Charm over his armour.

Sir Cadogan came with a tear in his eye.  
"Save my daughter. Don't let me detain you.  
But don't spill a single drop of her pure blood,  
Or you'll wish that the monster had slain you."

"My liege," answered Odo, "She's safe in my hands."  
And he vouchsafed his pledge with a bow.  
And to reassure his new 'father-in-law'  
He swore an Unbreakable Vow.

Forthwith he betook himself off to the lair  
Of the monster, his plan to attack it.  
He crept to the cave, cast a Silencing Spell  
-For his chain-mail was making a racket –

And sat down to wait for what beast he knew not,  
Be it spiky or scaly or hairy,  
A dragon, or Cerberus, or Minotaur,  
Or a Grendel – all equally scary.

And just as the pink dawn was blushing the skies,  
The creature emerged for a whiz…  
And Odo recoiled in alarm for he knew  
What manner of monster that is.

The head of a man, the body of a lion,  
With a sting in its scorpion's tail.  
"By Merlin! If I'm not mistaken, that there  
Is a Manticore." Odo went pale.

"Show yourself! I can smell you," the vile creature roared.  
"Have you come to purloin my fair treasure?  
Say your prayers, human, this day is your last,  
I shall croon as I eat you, with pleasure."

Bold Odo adopted a tough martial stance,  
Wand in hand and his sword brandished high,  
"Fine words, Manticore. But they're all you shall eat.  
It is you and not I who shall die."

"Oh, whatever," the monster replied with a groan,  
"Go away. I do not feel like fighting.  
I'll zap you with my scorpion's tail, if I must.  
To be frank, I'm in no mood for biting.

"I chewed on a bee by mistake, and the sting  
Which is lodged in my gum, pains me sorely.  
I've toothache and lockjaw, my tongue's swelling up,"  
Moaned the monster, now looking quite poorly.

"Who d'you think I am? Daniel?" retorted the knight.  
"And who are you now, the court jester?  
I'll help on condition you cut me a deal.  
If not, I will let the wound fester."

The Manticore flexed its sharp claws, and its tail  
With the sting of its own was all frisky.  
"I'll muffle that spike with my hat if I may,"  
Odo said, "for unsheathed it's too risky.

"We humans are graced with opposable thumbs –  
I'll have that barb out in a jiffy.  
Just open your mouth… Zounds! Don't you ever floss?  
Your oral hygiene is well whiffy."

"Get on with it, man," growled the slavering fiend,  
"All this talking is driving me barmy."  
"Any tricks and I'll slay you," the knight warned the beast.  
"Oh yeah?" it said. "You and whose army?"

Odo held his breath as he sought the bee barb.  
The Manticore howled, its tail flailing  
And jabbing the hat with its scorpion sting.  
"Keep still," Odo shouted. "Stop wailing.

"Now tip your head back, shut your eyes, open wide…  
Yes, pretend that you're eating a goat…"  
He snatched up the hat with the venom inside  
And he tipped it right down the beast's throat.

The creature's foul screams rent the chill morning air,  
Then it fell on its back and was still.  
The knight gave a smirk as he totted the score:  
Odo – one, and the Manticore – nil.

He picked up his hat from the ground where it lay  
Drenched with poison – no more could he wear it,  
Unless he could turn it the other way out.  
It looked daft, but he'd grin and bear it.

"My hero!" the damsel called out from the cave.  
She'd breathlessly watched the commotion.  
"You've saved me! My father will pay you in gold."  
Her own thank yous brimmed with emotion.

"My lady." Odo made a bow, then he threw  
Convention aside, in his ardour.  
He kissed her, embraced her and she kissed him back.  
Thus encouraged, he kissed a bit harder…

They broke apart, both tasting blood on their lips.  
The girl grimaced, but Odo was glummer.  
He remembered his Vow to shed nary a drop.  
'Just my luck,' he thought. 'Oh, what a bummer.'

No magic could rescue him from the Vow's curse,  
No enchantments or potions or charms.  
Frustrated, he broke his wand over his knee,  
Then he died in his fair lover's arms.

_And Odo the hero they bore him back home  
__To the place that he'd known as a lad;  
__They laid him to rest with his hat inside out  
__And his wand snapped in two, which was sad._


End file.
